To quote Ralphie’s Old Man, “It’s a major award!” Or naddafingah.

I’m a writer. I know it, my friends and family know it, and it has long been a bone of contention amongst all of them that I should be pursuing it so that I can become famous and, like, make them proud and all. Then they can boast about knowing me and maybe, after I write a blockbuster novel, I’ll take one or all of them on a book tour. Can you imagine? Me and my family and my most cherished friends tearin’ it up in the book stores all across the nation. I’d probably want to call it The Merry Mayhem Tour, but Ozzy Osbourne and Rob Zombie already own that name so I guess I’d just call it Lori and Co.’s Truly Excellent Escapade.

Anyhoo, I’ve blogged in various forms for over a decade now, mostly on that dinosaur, MySpace, and then on Facebook. I briefly attempted a regular one on Blogger but honestly, life was sucking so hard back then that my heart wasn’t in it. There was too much anger and not enough brevity or humor. I was dark, and am dark, but I’m funny, too, and when that wasn’t coming through, I knew better than to be proud of those few, pathetic offerings.

Then I discovered The Bloggess. Jenny Lawson is not only hilarious, and smart, and deliciously twisted, but she is also me. A version of me, that is. The depressed, anxious, completely off the rails me. She is also brave, and kind, and viciously honest, and did I mention brave and hilarious? I started following her many months ago and then I was buying her books and crying with laughter and feels.  I was telling everyone, “Here, READ her! You don’t understand me, but through her, you can! Because this is me!” You can read her here. You see, up until Jenny, I really didn’t like to think about where my life was going.

I started out taking my meds and thinking that those little pills were magically going to fix all the issues that had been creeping into my life. I’ve never been adventurous and daring, not even as a child. The two times I was daring as a kid – and by daring, I really mean reckless and f’n stupid – resulted in a compound fracture to my arm and a broken ankle. When you’ve been afraid to learn to ride a bike until you were 10 and your mom buys you a second-hand bike that your grandma rode in the 40s, you DON’T try to “peel out” in a mud puddle with a pipe sticking up out of it. Trust me. I did achieve some brief fame as “that girl who did the coolest peel-out ever” but the bone sticking out of my arm and kids running away, screaming in horror wasn’t eactly worth the week’s stay in the hospital and the two surgeries I endured. If I were adventurous and daring, I’d probably argue with myself and say, “Oh yeah, IT FUCKING WAS!” but I’m not. Consequently, you’d think that I would have learned my lesson, but despite my above-average test scores and the school’s urging to my mom to put me in the “gifted” class (she refused because she didn’t  think I needed to stick out like the sore, awkward thumb we all knew I was) I was incredibly f’n stupid and attempted another daredevil move less than a year later.

Here’s the thing: when you’re a chunky child and all your clothes come from the Husky section of the Sears Catalog, you should not try to leap from a piece of playground equipment,10 feet up in the air, to the ground. Chances are, your weight is going to be your worst enemy and something’s going to break. In this case, it was my ankle. After that, I no longer was referred to as daring, but as “that fat girl who jumped off the flying saucer, DUH!” Oh, how the mighty fall. Hard.

By 11, I was becoming the person I really metamorphosed into at 44. That’s when I began to really lose my shit and that’s a long story but suffice it to say that I may have had blogs in me, but they weren’t good ones. I think that the work now might be….and so it was a totally delightful shock to me to find that my tiny, fledgling blog has been nominated for The Liebster Award for new blogs. One of my handful of followers (not like Joe’s followers on that creepy-ass cool Kevin Bacon show) nominated me, and I have to admit that I shed a few tears because I don’t feel quite worthy yet…..but I’ll take it!


The rules are pretty interesting, and I am going to use another blog to answer them because they’re really quite detailed and Karen, or deserves a proper set of answers because she was kind enough to nominate me. Here’s her blog of pure awesomeness. You should check her out because she is one of Jenny’s people, and we are quite the entertaining, twisted, disturbed, kind, cool bunch. Just ask us, and when we’ve taken our meds and completed the rituals we have in order to feel less anxious about being human for the day, we will validate this with part humility and part “Oh-my-fucking-God-someone-is-talking-to-me-what-do-I-do” panicky dorkishness.

Now you must excuse me, because I need to make a paper crown to wear around the house and irritate the husband with my austere delight.


3 thoughts on “To quote Ralphie’s Old Man, “It’s a major award!” Or naddafingah.

  1. Congratulations on the nomination and I can’t wait to see a picture of you wearing your beautiful paper crown 👑💐. You deserve it!


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