The other day, while I was idly browsing my news feed on Facebook, I realized that there has been a complete takeover in the form of memes. You know, the ones that say witty, sarcastic things, some that are inspirational in both religious and just uplifting ways, and of course the requisite caustic, mean ones meant to shock your friends and piss off your “frenemies” because they have some sort of suspicion, in their guilty sub conscious, that you might just be directing said nasty sign at them. There are quite a few inspirational, self-help kinds of pages, too. Dr. Phil has one, Oprah has her page, Suze Orman directs her irritating financial advice geared toward people who are already in the top 1% of the income bracket and who do not really NEED her advice…..you know, all those successful gurus who just want to spread their wealth of knowledge and empowerment to the little people. They know precisely how to elevate you to their spiritual level; they direct you gently to live your best life, to be your own original self. They also feel they know how you can effectively squirrel away your hard-earned cash and turn it into a staggering amount just like they have. All you have to do is listen to them….and buy their books, self-help cds and dvds, and sign up for their inspirational emails. Let them help you to help them.
How many times have you opened a magazine or looked on someone’s page and found ways to make your life better in some way? There are helpful guides for living within your means, for weathering any financial, health-related, and spiritual crisis. Thanks to the internet, anyone in this world can be an expert on something, no matter how big or how small the problem is. Let’s face it: your tiny bump in the road has been someone else’s major road block. We all feel duty-bound, in this age of information, to help others and to share our experiences. If I had a dime for every time I heard or read “If sharing my story can help just one person….” I would not need to work. I’d be rolling in mountains of dimes. I’d be writing a self-help blog on how to effectively manage your dimes, roll them up in the most air-tight fashion, and how to transport them safely to the bank. There would be dozens of ways to spin this as long as I put a bit of thought and creativity into it. Someone would read it. Someone out there would find it helpful, should they ever come into a mountain of dimes and need to manage their existence. Trust me, someone is out there, thinking about the perils of actually being in possession of a mountain of dimes because they may have said that phrase. Since I am not in possession of a mountain of dimes, I guess I’ll have to share my vast knowledge about some other subject with you. Here it is: lately, I’ve been thinking about assholes.
Not anuses, poopshoots, rectums, bungholes – whatever you call that part of your anatomy. I’m talking about irritating people. People who piss you off despite your best efforts to remain calm. People who, when you encounter them, raise your blood pressure enough to cause a mini-stroke. People who have a knack for making you roll your eyes in disbelief at least once a day and exclaim, “What the fuck?” They’re everywhere, people, and you know it. They’re family members, fringe-type friends (the ones who you don’t really socialize with because you know all they’re going to do is piss you off and make you wonder for the millionth time why you continue to be friends with them), coworkers and bosses. They’re that douchebag in a local grocery store who gives you dirty looks simply because you have the audacity to come through their checkout line and expect them to bag your groceries in ways that require you to not have to take up weight lifting. They’re the neighbor who consistently takes the parking space in front of your house. You cannot escape them. You find yourself trying, every day, to just “let it roll off your back”. You employ breathing exercises, counting to ten, and simply walking away. Most of the time those tools of self-containment work. Most of the time, you’re able to get through an encounter, breathing a sigh of relief and commending yourself for your wonderful self-control. You did not break. You did not lose your temper, say something you might regret, or act out irrationally. Society demands this, anyway. We’re all supposed to walk around, reading our self-help books, listening to soothing music, working out to de-stress, doing yoga, getting massages, and popping our little self-help pills prescribed by doctors who probably roll their eyes, mutter “Another asshole?”, and pull out their prescription pads when we walk into their offices and demand that they “help us cope”.
I’ve been wondering, though……what if we could do what we really wanted and throttle someone? I’m not talking about killing them, or permanently disfiguring these irritations in our lives. I’m just talking about sending them a message. With that thought in mind, I have come up with a few hypothetical tools for you to use, should the pain in the ass douchebags who’ve inflicted themselves upon your life get under your skin and drive you to a moment of unbridled irrationality and desire to just SHUT THEM THE FUCK UP. I’m not suggesting you actually DO these things. I’m just suggesting, in my friendly, helpful, soothing “I-want-to-be-your-douchebag-containment-guru” that you simply imagine carrying out these solutions. Read on and discover yourself closer to a zen-like moment of calm:
1. Hit them in the face with a brick.
2. Every time they get in your face, jump up, making a face of absolute horror, and scream “THE ALIENS HAVE LANDED! THE ALIENS HAVE LANDED!” and run, terrified, from the room.
3. When you feel your pulse quickening and your blood pressure rising, just slowly pull a jackknife out of your pocket, purse; wherever you can quickly get to it, and begin eyeing its blade, giggling softly under your breath and looking at your prey with barely-contained hunger.
4. Every time they open their mouth to speak, hold up your index finger and firmly demand, “Shut it.” Don’t even let them get a word in. “Shut it.” This may call for a massive amount of self-control on your part, but the results will be well worth it.
5. Ask them if they’ve ever considered running for office. Chances are, they have.
6. Begin mock-sneezing when you’re around them. Apologize, effusively, and explain, “I’m allergic to assholes.” Smile. Walk away.
7. Trip them. I know that people falling always makes me laugh hysterically.
8. Divorce them.
9. Walk up behind them during a moment when they are either annoying someone else or by themselves and blow one of those horns people use at football games right near their ear. Take pride in the load you cause them to evacuate into their pants.
10. Gibbs-slap them. NCIS fans understand. For those of you who don’t watch that show, look it up.
Now, I know that I will have some detractors who will disagree with my list, saying that if we all act out on our impulses and just shoot someone in the face when they anger us over some trivial matter, we’ll be just like (insert any country here…or Texas, if you wish), but I want to again point out that I am asking you to envision these solutions, not actually try them out. Not the violent ones, anyway. That probably leaves out 1,7,8 and 10. Maybe 9, if you get too close to their ears and blow out their eardrums. This is just a little daydreaming exercise, alrighty? There’s my disclaimer. Daydreaming can be an awfully effective blood-pressure medication, you know. Give it a try, and, if you want to, feel free to add your helpful suggestions below.