Oh, the butthurts.

I’m wondering, is “butthurt” an approved word in the dictionary? If it isn’t,  it should be. Is there any other word that describes more completely the social outrages we see these days?  I must admit, this blog is coming from a place of butthurt. My butthurt. About – you guessed it – all of the other butthurts. It’s infernally irritating to see that just about EVERYTHING is a bone of contention to someone. And if one someone makes their butthurt public, chances are that there are hundreds and even thousands of others clamoring on to agree that yes, this butthurt really does hurt. Them. Personally.

You don’t  need to look too deeply into social networks to find various and sundry butthurts. You can stand in a line at any store, sporting event, or public gathering and listen firsthand to examples of butthurts. People are vocal about their butthurts. They want you to know, in as plainspeak as possible, that XYZ fucking pisses them off!

Stand around with other mothers at a school just before dismissal. Listen to the butthurts flow freely:

“So I told Mrs. Franklin that it was not appropriate for her to ask Blossom why her bangs are crooked in front of the rest of the class! She came home in tears! I mean, geez, she feels bad enough about trying to cut her own hair, and I don’t see how it is going to help her through this if the other kids know all about it. I was SO pissed off.”

“Allison Johnson needs to stop parking like that. Her car is crooked! I have to watch really closely when I pass by, and I shouldn’t have to, you know? They ought to have aides out here to manage traffic.”

“That bus driver is really asking for it. Yelling at the kids to sit in their seats or he’s gonna suspend them ? What gives him the right to yell at my kid? Doesn’t  he get paid to do his job? I mean, they’re cooped up in school all day long and of course they need to blow off some steam! It’s his job to get them home safely, not to discipline them. I’m calling the superintendent and complaining. No one yells at my kid but me.”

Yeah. I could list so many more, but my eyes rolled back into my head at the first one. Butthurts galore. They are permeating society. Here are two examples that defy even my skewered sensibilities :

1. Weight butthurts. You know, “It’s not my fault that I’m thin/fat. Everyone is beautiful in their own way. So quit telling me to go eat a steak/salad.”

Okay, so maybe it isn’t your fault. Maybe you have a disease or a metabolism issue. I  understand the frustration. I’m a size 14 only on a really good day, so I tend to commiserate with the heavier population and envy the thin people. But Jesus, people, it’s everywhere now! We’re “giving kids bad self-images” with our focus on weight issues. Lots of things cause obesity in kids; bad things, like the amounts of additives in food, all the chemical engineering and manipulation. It’s a serious problem. But you know what? So is XBox. And a television in every room. And fast food in the place of a home-cooked meal because you couldn’t find time to go to the grocery store. And the fact that the streets, and yards, and parks are devoid of the laughter and play of children. Because they’re all inside. Sitting on their butts. Because parents either “don’t have time” to supervise them or just want them pliant and sedentary so they don’t have to do anything. As for the thin people? Seriously…your “thing” is not a thing. We’re envious. So we kid. Unless you look like an emaciated, starving person, we’re truly kidding.  STFU and go have a meal. And if you do look like an emaciated, starving person, then take our words as they are intended: we’re concerned!  Sincerely.

2. It is the most insensitive thing in the world to post that you are pregnant when you really aren’t on April Fools Day. There are countless women out there who can’t  have babies and who do you think you are, making a joke at their expense?

Three words: April. Fools. Day. You know, the stupidest day on the planet. The day when the most assinine, outrageous things are claimed. Gone are the days of “Your shoe is untied” and “Your fly is down”. People have evolved and gone on to concoct elaborate schemes to fool others. Look at any website or newspaper on this vile day and read that one unbelievable article about something that would never, ever happen. Tell me, if saying you’re  pregnant when you aren’t is so bad, where are all the angry unmarried people who find it traumatic to read a false “marriage announcement” on April Fools Day? Where are the people who are “recovering” from the traumatic experience of (insert ANY joke that has been played on you)? Are there legions of people who are waiting to rise up because they were convinced that there was something in their teeth and (GASP) they went to a mirror and looked? The shame. The horror. Here’s a bit of a news flash: women who can’t  have babies on April Fools Day also can’t have babies on Christmas. Should we downplay the birth of Jesus in order to spare their feelings? If you answered yes to that, then I have to suggest that you might possibly be reading the wrong blog. Women who can’t have babies live that reality every single day, and they are reminded of it every single day, and somehow, life goes on. Their friends, family, coworkers have babies. Are we suggesting that a joke played on a stupid day is going to be their emotional and mental undoing? I really hope not. But as with butthurts, someone thinks, and hopes, that it will. 

There are, in my opinion,  genuinely valid butthurts. I am painfully butthurt about all the photos of abused animals and children on social media. I am butthurt about the memes with awful grammatical errors, the actual posts by people who didn’t pay a single moment’s worth of attention in English class, and the general under-education in the subject of spelling.

I am butthurt about how we, as a nation, can’t  reach across the aisle and solve the country’s problems without fighting about our political affiliations. I am butthurt about the fact that we can’t come to an agreement that the minimum wage should better reflect the cost of living today. I am butthurt that Marijuana is not legal in all 50 states so that science can really start discovering the amazing medical uses for it. Oh, and tax it to pay for infrastructure. I am butthurt that the Kardashians still make the news for every single thing they say or do.

Oh yeah, and there’s this: Clancy, my beautiful rescue baby, is butthurt that Mama starts her new job tomorrow and won’t be available to love on him and his brothers and sisters as much anymore. Okay, maybe his butthurt doesn’t extend to mutual outrage on behalf of his brothers and sisters, but THIS FACE.