Tis the season to be jolly outraged

I’ve been on a little hiatus, regretfully brought on by some family medical issues. For those of you who reached out, thank you. A heartfelt shower of gratitude comes your way from me and my family. Continue with the juju, because we ain’t out of the woods yet. With time to breathe comes the desire to get back into my craft, and what better time to find juicy subjects to piss and moan about than Christmas?

Okay. Let’s tackle some controversy. Is it one radio station in the country – out of how many? – that isn’t playing “Baby, It’s Cold Outside?”

One? Bueller?

And are they crowding the streets nationally, storming CBS or what-the-fuck-ever, demanding that Santa, the elves, and the other reindeer apologize to Rudolph for bullying? Are reparations being demanded?

Or is it just one angry, little gaggle of asshats making noise?

People. Calm your tits. Keep singing, “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”, and playing it, and enjoying the delightful version of it in the movie, ” Elf”. By the way, why has no one questioned the creep factor of a grown man in an elf suit, sitting in a bathroom with a woman he barely knows, singing along with her as she showers? What’s endearing about that? But…..there it is. The double standard. You think it’s cute. Hell, I think it’s cute. No one is judging you. And you shouldn’t be judging anyone.

While I always thought Rudolph was a bit of a drama queen – he could have just kicked the shit out of Fireball and made him his bitch – I don’t see any more “bullying” going on in that CARTOON MADE IN ANOTHER ERA that even comes CLOSE to what we actually condone today.

Why has nobody decried the beloved cartoon, “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” for its communist, dictatorial undertones? Bergermeister?

Why does no one take up the crusade for Nestor, The Long-Eared Donkey?

And why doesn’t anyone call Santa out for all the damned, creepy-as-fuck stalking he does in every, single song about him? “He sees you when you’re sleeping?” Truth be told, any old, strange guy caught looking at my kid while they were sleeping would sleep with the fishes.

Where’s the fat shaming? Is it healthy for Santa to be so rotund? What’s his cholesterol? Does he take meds for that? Is he diabetic? Shit, he has to be diabetic with all the cookies and cocoa and sugar garbage he consumes on a daily basis. Maybe Santa needs a Fitbit and an elliptical.

The “little people have rights, too” movement for the elves, who toil away day after day, making ungrateful children their toys? What’s the #elvestoo movement saying about that?

Wait. There’s no #elvestoo movement? No #justicefornestor movement? No #pedophilesanta campaign?

Of course there isn’t, because it’s all so ridiculous!

I realize the irony of being outraged about outrage, but I just need to point out that the more attention you give to these silly, little butthurts, the less coverage the real news gets.

You know, the 14,700 jobs lost last week in the auto industry due to trade sanctions.

The fact that a country got away with murdering a reporter in a violent, horrific way and the rest of the world is just looking askance.

The fact that our President is, indeed, as embarrassing and corrupt as we have been sure of.

Oh, and let’s not forget the real-time nightmare going on at the Mexican border.

When we focus on the ridiculousness of a 74-year-old song being “offensive” and decry “reindeer bullying” as unacceptable in a cartoon that sought to show children that different doesn’t mean you don’t have value, we’ve truly lost the plot.

Again. Look at your tits. Tell them to settle down. Speak soothingly, and softly. Smooth them gently, if necessary. Sing them a Christmas carol; maybe “Silent Night”. It’s probably better not to sing ” Baby, It’s Cold Outside”.

Because nipples.


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