Gag me with a genetically modified egg.

So Easter. Yeah. The one holiday that, if it were to be banned, I would not miss at all. If the collective world leaders were to get together and do a Bergermeister on Easter and say “Nein!” I’d breathe a sigh of relief and say, “Thank Christ!” Which is ironic.

I’ve always hated Easter. For one, the wishy-washy pastel colors make me want to puke. I’m not a big lover of chocolate, so that never lured me in. I never, ever believed in a rabbit that visited all the good little girls and boys and left them treats and gifts. Everyone knew that rabbits were just tiny, little, cuddly things and besides, Santa did that, DUH. Coloring eggs? Yeah, boring. And messy. And never as pretty as you want them to be. Nowadays, I’ve read enough literature to suggest that the bunnies and the eggs are derived from Pagan beliefs, which makes that part a little easier to stomach. I’ve never expanded upon my fear of He Who Wears The Creepy Bunny Suit except to shudder in violent distaste. The truth is that I deplore the idea that we’re really celebrating the murder of a human being. Yeah yeah, “on the third day, he rose again” but really? The Zombie Apocalypse isn’t real, and doesnt that seem like something the dreaded Satan would do? Reanimate a dead guy?  Unless he wasn’t actually dead when they stuffed him in that tomb, I’m fairly certain that Jesus was still dead three days after he was tortured and then endured a slow, agonizing death. Maybe someone absconded with the body?  I’m gonna float a wild idea here: Maybe the story was carefully embellished to pull in the masses who took, and take, the Bible literally.

I used to read the Bible when I was young. It was the most wonderful and frightening book of fairy tales that I ever encountered as a child. I’d have to say that it rivals Stephen King and JRR Tolkien for horror and fancy combined. It BLEW MY MIND that the adults in my life expected me to believe that shit was real. Adam and Eve created all humanity (which makes us all related and ewww, incest)? Moses parted the seas? Jesus made water into wine? He made bread and fishes multiply? Okay, so what you’re telling me is that the world was filled with magicians “back in the day” who made the Wizarding World of Harry Potter seem weak in comparison. You know those horrible TV commercials with the starving children? Remember the times when you didn’t want to finish your dinner and you were chastised and told that “there are starving children in Africa who would absolutely love to eat your Spam loaf and peas.” My smart-ass response was always, “Get me an envelope. I’ll mail it to them right now. How many stamps?” Well, I didn’t  so much say that as think it, but you get the idea. 

Anyway, I always wondered to myself that if Jesus could magically make all that food appear, why wasn’t he doing it for all the starving children in Africa? They would love that fish and gobble that bread up and while he was at it, he could transform some water into a decent Cabernet so the parents of all those kids could get shitfaced while the kids were running around like lunatics after having such a fortifying feast. Okay, the last part I made up just now, because when I was a kid I had no idea that parents sometimes got shitfaced in order to deal with their kids. Maybe that’s just a recent response to all the ADD-afflicted kids running around today. You know, “Here, Joey. Take your Ritalin and go play. Mommy’s going to have a glass of wine.” We all know now that studies show ADD is an epidemic because of all the genetically engineered and antibiotic-infused food we feed kids.

If Jesus’s hat trick was a real thing, we could have been making organic food appear all this time and Monsanto wouldn’t exist and ADD would be unheard of. And parents wouldn’t need to make multiple trips to the liquor store.  Since there was no ADD or Ritalin when Jesus was alive, I doubt he realized that parents actually would have paid him good money for his little magic trick. Thanks a lot, fairytale writers of the Bible. And while we’re at it, thanks Obama!

Okay, I went off the rails just a little bit there,  but it is only early afternoon, and I haven’t had any wine yet. Wine that I bought at the liquor store myself. Because Jesus didn’t make me any for Easter.